


November 26

by icecreamsuki



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, M/M, Romance, Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-19
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 00:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icecreamsuki/pseuds/icecreamsuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Afflicted by a disease cause by his betrayal, how will Nino face Ohno after 3 years of distance? Swallowed by the monster of guilt, would he be able to forgive himself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	November 26

  
-=-=-  
  
 _My muscles ached like hell each time I tried to move them. I didn’t even have the energy to turn on the light to give a fragment of hope to this desolate place. The whole room – cramped and dark – felt like a prison, and I felt like a criminal, atoning for the sin of my past. This was my curse, my punishment for my act of foolishness and betrayal.  
  
I deserved this, I made myself think.  
  
I deserved no one._  
  
-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
  
November 26  
  
Eyes transfixed on the screen of my cell phone, I waited for the time to read 12:00. Nino had always been the first to greet me on my birthday, be it a call or a text. Always. He had never missed one ever since the year we met.  
  
Our first meeting was a simple one, without the heavy romanticism of classic love stories, without the fireworks and trivialities of a summer fling. I was a struggling artist and he was an apathetic I.T. specialist.  
  
That day, my art studio suddenly felt stifling to me. It was so unbearable, I just had to leave. With a sketchpad on one arm and a backpack full of art materials – pencils, erasers and pastels – on my shoulders, I headed to the riverbank to have a little chat with nature as. As I laid out on the grass, I flexed my knees up and used my thighs as a makeshift table where I placed my sketchpad and I started to doodle absentmindedly. It took me back to the time when I still enjoyed art – not that I did not enjoy it anymore. There were times, though, when it felt more of an obligation than a passion.  
  
Staying in that studio, trying to meet deadlines just to make ends meet was starting to drive me insane.  
  
All I wanted then was a breath of fresh air, but I got more than that. I found someone.  
  
“Do you like what you’re doing?”  
  
I was so startled upon hearing a foreign voice near me; I was almost certain I was alone. I looked up and found a guy in long sleeves and slacks, apparently a company employee of some sort. He asked without looking at my face, but rather stared at the doodle on my sketchpad with utmost curiosity.  
  
I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t even sure what he was talking about. “Do you think I like what I’m doing?” I replied, just to be safe with my answer and not appear stupid.  
  
“I think you like what you’re doing right now, but you are just escaping from the obligations that burden you,” he said as he momentarily took his eyes off my drawing, sat down recklessly that his clothes might get creased. He didn’t like his job as well, I figured. His eyes had the faraway stare of longing for something or wanting to go someplace else.  
  
I sat up and examined him, appalled that he made such an accusation, however close to the truth. On second thought, the fact that he made an accurate assumption was what bothered me most. Was he a stalker?  
  
I was somewhat scared of people like that – people who can easily read me like an open book. I felt vulnerable at their presence. But Nino – I finally found out his name after a few chance meetings – was different. With him I didn’t feel fear. Instead I felt comfort in knowing that there was someone who knew me without me trying to explain myself. And for that, I was thankful.  
  
Our chance meetings started to happen frequently. And I found myself being drawn to him.  
  
We were two ordinary people who were at a standstill, not knowing which life path to take. We took solace in each other’s company, and getting together was almost next to natural.  
  
I invited him into my life. Soon after, I invited him into my house. Eventually, I invited him into my bed. He always agreed without reluctance. Always.  
  
However, today was my birthday and I had no one to invite to be with me in bed. He was a million miles away in the land called America, trying to pursue his dream of being a film director.  
  
It was already 4AM, and still no sign of a greeting from him. I was upset, yes, and my eyelids were getting too tired of waiting. I let myself rest with the blind consolation that I would wake up to a quirky greeting from my lover. Perhaps he was just busy. Perhaps he was just trying to tease me by acting like he had forgotten but greeting me at the last minute.  
  
I fell asleep out of exhaustion in the company of the cool November breeze, with no one to hold me close and keep me warm.  
  
Little did I know then that those were just the blind assumptions of a lonely lover.  
  
-=-  
  
 **NINO**  
  
November 26  
  
It was Satoshi’s birthday. And it was also the day I got my test results.  
  
 _“You need to be tested for HIV,” Sho-sensei said gravely after he examined me and found out just how sick I was. Sho was my only real friend apart from Satoshi, and I realized how lucky I was to have an intelligent doctor friend who could save me from my illness.  
  
HIV? I have heard of that before – probably in a documentary that was showing on TV while I was playing with my DS. I only had a vague idea what it was. Wasn’t that transmitted through sex? _  
  
The envelope was in my hand, but I was too shaken to open it, too terrified know the results. Sometimes, not knowing was better – more convenient. But I knew that I need to find out; I was the one who caused this.  
  
With trembling hands, I fished the card out of the envelope. Seeing the test result felt like I was staring at my own death sentence.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
  
Five minutes before the end of November 26, I almost jumped in delight when I saw his name on the receiver. It wasn’t just a simple text message. It was more than I expected. It was a phone call from the person I’ve been longing to hold close since this day started. I willed my heart beat to stabilize for a while before answering. I didn’t want him to realize I was overly excited. That would only give him permission to tease me for the rest of my life.  
  
“Hello,” I said with the most levelled voice I could muster.  
  
“Satoshi,” he said softly. I could almost feel him beside me, whispering to my ear and his arms around me. I almost shed a tear at the happiness I felt upon hearing his voice.  
  
“Let’s break up,” he said, suddenly so serious that I almost believed him. My first reaction was to be amused and laugh. It was so like Nino to come up with a prank like that, playing with your feelings but meant the opposite. I missed that side of him.  
  
New paragraph “Thank you! That’s the weirdest birthday greeting I have received in the longest time. But it was also the best,” I said.  
  
“Satoshi, I’m serious.” Indeed, that was Nino’s voice when he wanted to talk something serious. That was Nino’s tone of voice when we talk about  _‘us’_  But I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to. It would be easier to think that it was just another joke.  
  
“Oh, come on.. Enough of your pranks already,” I said, even though I was already losing confidence in my theory that this was all Nino’s grand idea of a prank.  
  
“Satoshi! Listen!” I could tell that he was already starting to get frustrated by my stubbornness. I was also starting to get irritated.  
  
“Why?! Tell me why, then!” I was already shouting. My temper was already flaring up. We hadn’t seen each other for a long time, and now this? Was this his idea of a birthday present? My grip on the cell phone was tightening as I anxiously waited for his reply.  
  
“Because…” I could hear his heavy breathing on the other side of the line. I wished to talk to him in person, to see his face as he told me this. To verify if what he was saying was real.  
  
“—I found someone else.”  
  
“I don’t believe you! You are drunk!” I hastily said. He had to be! There was no other explanation for his actions than the mindless blabbering of a drunken fool.  
  
“Bye..”  
  
“NINO!!” I shouted with anger brimming up on my chest. The nerve of him to hang up before I got an explanation! I threw the phone at the wall – so hard the casing broke and the battery fell off.  
  
No matter how hard I tried to dismiss such a distasteful thought, the possibility that what he said was real still existed. And for that, I was scared. Heck, I was terrified.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **NINO**  
  
There was one thoughtless detail in my plan to make Satoshi hate me enough to accept our break up. I forgot to inform Sho about it.  
  
Now, Satoshi was standing at the doorway of my hospital room, with piercing eyes and a face red with what could only be fury. I tried to be nonchalant about his presence and looked away from the door – to annoy him, but more to collect my thoughts on how to react.  
  
“I believe I deserve an explanation,” he said sourly without coming near. He just stayed standing at the doorway.  
  
“I told you! I found someone else,” I said firmly, as if an added emphasis would convince Satoshi.  
  
“Then why are you still wearing the ring?  _Our_  ring…” He asked calmly. I felt I was already losing this battle. The calmer Satoshi talks, the more confused I get with what he was really thinking deep inside.  
  
Shit! I totally forgot about that detail! The ring! My brain has not been cooperating with me recently. Plus, never for the life of me did I expect Satoshi to come barging into my hospital room. I was glad I was facing away from him so he wouldn’t be able to see the gleam of panic in my eyes as he mentioned the ring.  
  
“I meant to return this to you,” I said as I removing the silver jewelry from my right ring finger.  
  
“I don’t believe you,” he said firmly and surely. “What is this? You are pushing me away because you’re sick? Wake up, Kazu! You’re not the martyr protagonist in some angsty drama series. This is real life, and you need me! You have no one else…”  
  
“I have Sho—”  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
  
“Yes, I’m sure Sho will take care of you, but I am here!” In desperation, I cut whatever excuse he was trying to make.  
  
“Just stay away from me!”  
  
And then he started coughing, the type of hacking cough not characteristic of everyday life but rather that which reminded me of hospitals, of patients who were struggling for dear life. It sounded as if his throat was already being torn by the effort of it. And it did not stop right away. It continued on and on until tears were brimming in his eyelids. I was stunned to see how sick he was, I couldn’t even will my feet to move to approach him, to stroke his back, to comfort him.  
  
Before I realized it, nurses started to enter the room to take care of Kazu while I was escorted outside.  
  
I sat on the bench nearest to the room as I felt my whole body trembling at the thought of Kazu. That sight was already imprinted in my mind, I couldn’t erase it anymore. Seeing him in that weak, vulnerable state diminished my resolution to confront him.  
  
Between the two of us, Kazu had always been the strong one. He was my steady post, a sturdy wall to lean on. Seeing him like that made me feel weak as well, as if I was suddenly entrusted the role of the rock. I knew I had to be strong for Kazu, but the switching of roles was too sudden, I didn’t know if I could handle it.  
  
I was lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the warmth that was emanating from the person who unceremoniously sat beside me.  
  
“Did Nino tell you what his sickness was?” he asked solemnly, eyes forward yet probably observing me at the corner of his eyes. I shook my head as I placed my palms on my face. I just wanted the whole world to disappear, to be transported in time back when everything was going well in our lives.  
  
“I am aware about patient confidentiality, but I need to tell you this: he contracted HIV. Do you know what that is?”  
  
I shook my head again, with my face still covered.  
  
“Human Immunodeficiency Virus. It is a type of virus that dampens a person’s immune system, making it difficult for him to fight off infections,” Sakurai-sensei said. I was not in the mood to be lectured about medical stuff, and I only vaguely understood what he said.  
  
“It is transmitted mostly sexually,” he said simply, probably considerate of the confused state I was in.  
  
It took a while before the information sunk in.  _Sexually transmitted?_  
  
“I’m sorry to say this but,” Sakurai-sensei paused heaving a deep sigh, “I need you to be tested as well.”  
  
And then it occurred to me.  
  
Maybe I had the virus as well.  
  
Maybe I was the one who gave it to him.  
  
-=-=-

**NINO**  
  
I was feeling relatively well. The nurse brought my medicines with a gentle smile on her face, as if encouraging me to continue living despite the shit that has happened to me. I was already recovering from my pneumonia and I found out that I could be discharged soon. I have been longing to get out of the hospital since Day 1.  
  
I was even allowed to play with my DS.  
  
All in all, it was a good day until someone appeared on my doorway.  
  
“I got my test results today,” Satoshi said as he held up an envelope, the similar envelope that I opened in horror to know my test results. I tensed and sat up. Could it be that he contracted the virus as well?  
  
I stared at him in the eye to try to read what he was thinking. It was blank. He had a blank expression on his face. And I felt helpless. I used to take pride in being able to read Satoshi like an open book. But I guess that was all in the past now.  
  
Perhaps the years we spent apart were too long; I realized then that I did not know this Satoshi anymore. The Satoshi that was standing in front of me was almost a stranger already. And I was to blame.  
  
“Negative,” he said, maintaining that steady blank composure.  
  
“Good! That’s very good news!” I said. I was genuinely glad. I didn’t want Satoshi to experience the same shitload I have been experiencing.  
  
“For a while I wanted it to be positive, you know? So it would mean that you didn’t betray me. While I was patiently waiting for your return, you were busy fucking god knows who!”  
  
I couldn’t look at him in the eyes for I already know what lied there: disappointment, scorn and fury.  
  
“ _How could you do this to me?_ ” I heard him say softly. And as I heard his breaking voice, I finally read what he was feeling.  
  
He loathed me.  
  
I felt the need to give him an explanation. We used to do it often before. Whenever we came into a standstill, we would quietly sit down on the couch and try to make each other understand the situation and then form a resolution. We were a mature couple who dealt with things calmly.  
  
And so this time, I tried to reach out to him, to hold his hand while I explain what happened in America, of how I ended up this way, but he flinched as I touched his skin and withdrew his hand right away.  
  
My heart sank to the pit of my stomach at such a gesture. Listening to the other side of the story, dealing with the situation maturely – where had all that gone? Even though I knew I deserve his hatred, it still hurt me to be treated that way.  
  
I was sure then: I already lost Satoshi.  
  
It’s over for us.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
  
I myself was shocked by how I treated Kazu. The hurt in his eyes, no matter how hard he tried to conceal it, did not escape me. He lay back on his bed and faced away from me, but I knew that he was only trying to contain his pain.  
  
I wanted to apologize, but pride took the better of me.  
  
A wicked part of me thought that it served him right. He reaped what he sowed. He betrayed me and he deserved to be punished in return.  
  
Hearing Nino’s testimony beforehand – that he found someone else – was a huge slap on my face. I realized that if he could easily break our promise just like that, then I couldn’t see a future with him. And I refused to. I did not want to be hurt.  
  
But I knew Kazu. I, more than anyone else, should know that there must be a reason behind all this.  
  
In confusion, I ended up fiddling with the silver ring on my right ring finger. It signified a promise we made to each other before he left. That even though we were far apart, we could still feel that we were together. That the ring was a link to each other’s hearts, binding them regardless of the distance.  
  
“Was there really someone else?” I asked even though he was facing away from me, as if dismissing any conversation.  
  
“How else could I get the virus?” he answered indifferently.  
  
“Tell me about him.”  
  
I didn’t know why I said that, even though it could just multiply the hurt in my chest. But a part of me really wanted to know what that other guy was like – what he saw in him that wasn’t in me.  
  
I sat on the chair near his bed, ready to hear about the other guy.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **NINO**  
  
What the hell was wrong with him?!  
  
I wonder what hit him. Why would he suddenly want to hear about – shit, I don’t even know what his name was. I thought I already made it clear that our conversation was over when I faced away from him. But I should have known. Satoshi was just stubborn like that.  
  
Well then, if it’s information he wants, it’s information he gets.  
  
“He is tall, good looking, rich. He can give me anything I want. And he’s  _very_  good in bed,” I said – anything to make Satoshi leave once and for all. “I was too busy fucking him on the midnight of your birthday that I forgot the tradition of greeting you when the clock strikes 12,” I added just to put a period on our conversation in this topic.  
  
“Can he give you time?”  
  
I looked at him sharply. “What do you mean?” I was startled by that kind of question. What the hell was he trying to imply?  
  
“Why isn’t he here with you, then?”  
  
Truth be told, I didn’t know how to answer that. “He’s busy.”  
  
“He’s busy doing what?”  
  
“None of your damn business, Ohno! Just leave! I need to rest,” I said even though it was evidently a pathetic excuse to escape Satoshi’s interrogation.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
  
I could tell that he was hiding something, it didn’t take a detective to realize that. I could tell. When Kazu is pushed to a corner, he tends to blurt out what he’s hiding. But I was also starting to get exhausted on prodding him on.  
  
I just decided to ask one simple question: “Are you happy with him?”  
  
“That goes without saying,” he said confidently. I wasn’t convinced, but I decided to leave it in the meantime.  
  
As I walked back home, something was still bothering me. Earlier, I asked the nurses and Sakurai-sensei if there was any guy who visited Nino in his stay in the hospital but their answer was no.  
  
That bothered me.  
  
Why didn’t Kazu’s “someone else” – whoever that fucking guy is – care to visit him? Was he really that busy he couldn’t even make time to visit his hospitalized lover?  
  
I still visited every day to check up on Nino. He had no one else. He was born from a single mother who had already died years ago. They had no other relatives in Tokyo, and I knew that Nino was not the type to make friends at work.  
  
I came to visit him again the following day.  
  
“What are you still doing here?” he demanded angrily.  
  
“I thought I’d visit you.”  
  
“You’re just taking pity on me!”  
  
Pity? I wonder if it’s pity. I just know I couldn’t stand seeing him like that.  
  
“I can’t stand seeing you like this.”  
  
“Then fuck off!”  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **NINO**  
  
“But you’re sick. You need someone to take care of you.”  
  
“It’s none of your damn business anymore, Ohno!”  
  
I couldn’t believe he was still there! I thought I pushed him away hard enough by making him hate me, by telling him downright that there was someone else I love. But then he was looking at me with those pitiful eyes, like I am an abandoned kitten. I didn’t need that! I needed none of that! I’d rather him get mad at me – hate me, even – but not have pity on me. I did not deserve pity in the first place!  
  
“Every time I see your face, I just want to die or get swallowed by the earth alive. I want to give up on living because of the overwhelming guilt I feel as I remember how much hurt I’ve caused you,” I said. I couldn’t keep my voice from breaking anymore. I remembered the overwhelming hurt I felt when he withdrew his hand as I tried to reach out to him the day before.  
  
“I don’t want to give up on life, Satoshi. Please… consider this your chance to live a better life, and my chance to restart mine.”  
  
I couldn’t stop the tears from falling anymore.  
  
 _“Please. Please…”_  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
  
The pain in his eyes was unbearable to look at.  
  
I couldn’t say anything in return. I was hurt, yes, but I didn’t want Kazu to suffer and carry the burden alone. But why couldn’t I say anything at that moment? My tongue was tied and my voicebox was malfunctioning.  
  
I still went to the hospital every day after that, not visiting him personally but just asking the nurses and Sakurai-sensei how he was doing.  
  
It was crazy, really. Ever since he told me to stay away, the more I wanted to be near him. Ever since Kazu denied me permission to visit him, my thoughts at every hour of the day drifted to him.  
  
I watched as the nurses came and went out of Nino’s room, carrying baskets of IV fluids, syringes, alcohol bottles, and all those distasteful materials characteristic of hospital facilities.  
  
It brought me back to the time when Nino forcefully took me with him to the clinic for the company’s yearly flu vaccination requirement.. He tightly held my hand as the nurse pierced his deltoid muscle with that despicable pointy needle. He held my hand so tightly, I thought my joints would dislocate. After the seconds-long ordeal, and with the needle safely capped, he looked at me with a triumphant boyish grin, as if he was an elementary school kid who was praised by his teacher. He demanded that I treat him to a hamburger meal after that. I gladly obliged.  
  
But now, he was all alone in that room, at the mercy of those nameless, faceless nurses who couldn’t give him comfort at all. And I was just sitting there, a few meters away from his room, unable to do anything to ease his pain. I was at a loss. I felt so near yet so far.  
  
 _“Stay away from me,”_  he deliberately said to me, with eyes firm and unwavering.  
  
I was battling with myself whether I should believe that or let my instinct take over.  
  
And if I let my instinct take over, barge in through that door and hold his hand like before, I was terrified that it would not be enough to ease the pain.  
  
-=-=-

**NINO**  
  
Sitting on the terrace of my apartment, the window kept ajar to let the cool early evening breeze inside, I fiddled with the strings of my old guitar, blindly searching for a new tune. Leaning back against the wooden post, with eyes closed in silent reverie, I realized that it had been almost a year since I last learned of my disease. It had been a year of vicious struggle to cope with my new life.  
  
It had been a year since I had lost Satoshi.  
  
Meanwhile, I found a new friend by the name of Aiba Masaki.  
  
He was a loud, persistent guy with wild ideas – quite the opposite of Satoshi’s serene presence, – but Aiba-chan had been ever present to check up on me from time to time and made sure I was doing alright. He was Sho’s psychologist friend. Sho endorsed me to him for counselling.  
  
It was strange at first. I thought Sho would have been a more suitable counsellor since he was my friend and he already knew me well, but Aiba had this loose aura about him that made me share my deepest fears and worries.  
  
Something that Aiba said had been bothering me for days now.  
  
“Maybe it’s your purpose why you have this illness. To share your struggles with other people. To increase awareness regarding this disease.”  
  
He had been forever inviting me to this talk he was organizing regarding HIV. He was an advocate for increased awareness, especially regarding protected, safe sex.  
  
“Maybe it’s your purpose,” he said brightly.  
  
 _Purpose._  
  
That was what I had been longing for in my life for a year now.  
  
A purpose.  
  
It would take an immense amount of courage to relive what happened in America a year ago and recount it to an audience who knew nothing about me, but I suddenly felt the urge to do it. Maybe this would be the closure I needed.  
  
Just as my decision was made, my cell phone rang indicating an incoming call. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes after seeing the name of the caller.  
  
I answered, “Yes, Aiba-chan, I’ll take part in your talk,” before he even said “moshi moshi.”  
  
“EH? EH?! Really? Oh, Nino, thank you! Thank you so much!” I could hear him saying ecstatically on the other line, and I bet that if we were talking personally, he would have given me a huge bear hug right away. It took a while before I got to quell his overexcitement.  
  
“Nino, don’t forget. It’s on November 26,” he reminded me before hanging up.  
  
November 26. Funny how fate was playing tricks on me. It was the day I got my HIV test result. It was the day I broke up with Satoshi. This year, it would be the second year I wouldn’t be able to greet him. My love.  
  
  
-=-=-  
  
It was a huge auditorium, and the audience was made up of people from varied age groups, young and old alike. I had made a draft on what to say, but after seeing all these people gathered, I realized that I should just recount my story spontaneously. That way, perhaps my thoughts would reach them better.  
  
 _“Four years ago, my mother died of cancer, leaving me alone. She was a single mother, and she never told me anything about who my father was regardless of the number of times I had asked her. I grew up in a family that was composed of the two of us. Just the two of us. When we discovered she had cancer, it was already in the late stage and there was nothing much that could be done. I stayed with her and took care of her until the very end.  
  
Despicable as it may seem, after she left me I felt capable to do the things I dreamt doing. I felt free.  
  
I went to America and studied filming there, but things didn’t quite go as planned. I didn’t know English very well. It was a totally impulsive decision on my part to go there. Perhaps I just wanted to leave the sad memories behind and start anew.  
  
Three years I spent studying, and then finally the time came for our culminating project. Imagine my horror upon seeing my own idea being portrayed by my classmate who I considered my friend. He copied my idea and made an even better film than mine. I felt so betrayed and helpless. I tried to defend myself - saying that it was me who came up with the idea – but as expected, the professors believed the American rather than the Asian. Besides, I couldn’t defend myself well since I was not that fluent in English.  
  
It was too much of an emotional burden for me to handle. I was alone in a foreign country where I could hardly speak their language. I wanted to talk to my mother – my ever reliable rock in times like that – but she was already gone.  
  
I felt helplessly alone. There was no one left for me to lean on to. I resorted to drinking every night just to forget the frustration that my life was steadily falling apart, until one particular night when the idea of having sex with another man was proposed to me. My life was already as good as garbage at that time; trying out another dumb thing probably wouldn’t hurt much. And so I gave in that night, and the nights after that as well. It was an addictive form of release. It helped me forget how pathetic I was. Looking back, I did not even remember the names or the faces of the men I had sex with.  
  
Thankfully, one day I woke up and suddenly realized how wasted my life had been. I pulled myself together and decided to head back here. Right after I came back to Japan from America, a happening occurred. I fell sick.  
  
I remembered being transported in an ambulance just after I landed the airport. The rhythmic siren, the endless beeping of the machines and the agitated voices of the medical personnel were vaguely heard as I fell into stupor. My eyelids were heavy. My ears were ringing. My throat was dry. Every movement was a struggle. I felt like I was trapped in a foreign body which I couldn’t quite control.  
  
I felt every ounce of life slipping away from me. I thought I was going to die.  
  
I have never felt so scared in my life before. Neither have I felt so alone.  
  
Exactly a year ago now, I got my test result indicating that I was HIV positive. It was November 26.”_  
  
-  
  
I was already in the brink of crying in front of the large crowd. My voice was already breaking and I had to stop to regain my composure.  
  
“Let’s proceed to the question and answer portion!” I was so thankful Aiba took over to divert the attention away from me. He must have figured I needed some moments to collect myself together again.  
  
And then it was time for the open forum. A question was asked. “Was it hard to find a job?”  
  
“It was terribly hard to get an employment with my condition. Medical records were necessary and my past medical history and current health status just screamed in the faces of the employers, earning me countless rejections. But I was lucky I landed on a job where I can do the work at home. I’m a composer,” I said with pride. All those fiddling sessions with my guitar made me realize that I have a talent for it.  
  
“Do you have any regrets?”  
  
“That was what I had been pondering about every single night as I lay alone on my bed. Realistically speaking, there’s nothing I could do. I couldn’t turn back time, no matter how much I longed to do so. My biggest regret was that my relationship with someone very important to me had to end because I acquired the illness. I broke up with him. I had to. It was the moral and ethical thing to do. It was the right thing to do. Every time I looked at his face, I saw another life that could be ruined if I become selfish and push myself to him. Just thinking about the chance that I may transmit the virus to him terrifies me and leaves me in dread. Every act of intimacy will be marked by warning bells. I didn’t want to destroy his life. He deserves someone better, someone clean. I didn’t even get to apologize to him. I just pushed him away, until he was out of my life. I made him hate me so he would leave me and live a better life. A life which he deserved – a life I couldn’t provide.”  
  
I didn’t even tell Satoshi about this.  
  
The open forum continued, with the image of Satoshi popping into my head every now and then. I had to channel all my energy into listening to the questions and keeping the thought of Satoshi at the level of my subconscious.  
  
I had to focus, I kept telling myself.  
  
-  
  
As the talk ended and the audience left, I volunteered to stay, clean up and arrange the chairs – trivial stuff just to give me quiet time to finally think about the person that I tried to push away.  
  
I wondered if he was doing well.  
  
I wondered if he was pursuing his dream.  
  
I wondered – I wondered if he had already found someone else.  
  
I surveyed the hall and found another chair by the wall that was not yet stacked up. In addition, there was a man sitting on the chair, wearing a cap, head bent down. He must have been dozing off and did not notice that people had already left.  
  
I approached him. “E-excuse me, sir. It’s time to leave.”  
  
He caught my arms and familiar warmth crept through my skin.  
  
 _“I felt helplessly alone. There was no one left for me to lean on to,”_  he said, repeating the words I said on my speech. “You had me, Kazu. You had me.” His grip on my wrist was steadily tightening and trembling. I felt beads of tears falling like a fountain on my outstretched arms.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me about this? I could have been your shoulder to lean on. No, no, I should have called. I should have called to check up on you if you were okay. I should have known it was hard for you to live in America alone,” he said, shaking his head as if scolding himself. I couldn’t say anything. It was already a shock for me to see Satoshi right before my very eyes. I couldn’t even properly process what he said.  
  
 _“You had me,”_  he whispered.  
  
-  
  
“Nino!” I heard someone call from the door. Glancing up, I saw a blurred image of Sho. That was when I realized: I was crying as well.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
  
I slowly released my grip on his wrist despite my reluctance to let him go.  
  
I couldn’t lift my head to look at him. I was frightened to know what lies in the depths of those eyes of his. Did he still want to push me away?  
  
I contented with just looking down, cap secured in place, staring at the retreating shadow of the one I love.  
  
-  
  
It was my dream to launch an art exhibit and it was finally unfolding right before my eyes. I arranged everything, even the contacting and begging of key people despite my lack of social skills. I pulled myself together to make this dream a reality.  
  
Art was my happiness. Yet it still felt like there was something lacking, like a crucial piece in the puzzle was missing.  
  
Across the hall of my art gallery, there was a poster that caught my attention. There was a side profile of a guy on the left part, and a girl on the right. Amidst the blood red background, there were speech bubbles in the middle as if they were conversing. At the lower part of the poster was a huge “HIV.”  
  
Brushing off my own art exhibit, I pushed the door and entered the hall. Little did I expect to find what I had been longing for – that last crucial piece in the puzzle – in a place so unexpectedly close. I took the sudden proximity as a sign to finally mend loose ends in our relationship and maybe – hopefully – turn it to the better.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **NINO**  
  
I left Satoshi in that huge hall, without even responding to his words and questions. I was stunned. I was too stunned to see him; I didn’t know how to react. I only did the only thing I was good at. I ran away. Again. And I was relieved that he didn’t follow me. How should I react when I was the one who kept him away?  
  
He always complimented me for my quick-wittedness, but not this time – not when it came to matters concerning us.  
  
I was standing at the hallway, waiting for Sho who had promised to drive me home. He came to the conference and listened to my speech. He said it was compelling. I wouldn’t know. Believe it or not, I had already forgotten the details of what I said earlier. Nevertheless, my story would never stop being an unerasable part of me. The faces of the audience that listened to me would forever remain in my memory.  
  
As I was standing idly, my eyes drifted to a certain painting in the gallery right next to the conference hall. It was depicting scenery of a river with water flowing along a fast stream. There was a boat that was giving its all to pass across, amidst the vicious current, to get to the other side adorned with sturdy trees and blooming wild flowers.  
  
I was staring at it passively for a few seconds before it sparked a memory in me. It was the riverbank – the place where I met Satoshi back when we were still younger and clueless about the world. It was the place of best-kept secrets, of dreams and aspirations shared. It was where we could be ourselves the most.  
  
I approached it, as if it was calling out to me. I entered the gallery and found myself surrounded by artworks that could be made by none other than Satoshi. His art conveyed a certain warmth – a certain nostalgia that could make you smile in awe.  
  
“Ninomiya-san,” I heard someone call. I turned around and found a guy taller than me with clean cut hair and bangs reaching his rather thick eyebrows.  
  
“You’re Ninomiya-san, aren’t you?” he asked, quite unsure, yet studying my face with utmost curiosity.  
  
I figured he must have attended the talk and recognized me from there.  
  
“Ohno-kun told me a lot about you,” he said quietly. I gulped. Suddenly, I was scared of the implications and the unspoken message behind that one simple sentence. Could he be Satoshi’s new – no, no, no. I willed myself to stay calm and not overthink.  
  
He led me to a small room, probably a dressing room of some sort. Right at the center of the room, mounted on a canvas, was a painting of me. The eyes, a mixture of dull gray and violet, looked sad and lonely. The edges of the lips were slightly tipped down.  
  
“It’s unfinished,” I said after I examined the painting closer. There were still stray paint droplets here and there. Satoshi’s finished artworks were always thorough and neat, I was sure.  
  
“He didn’t finish it,” he paused, and I looked at him in immense curiosity. “Because he didn’t want it to end that way. He didn’t want his memory of you to remain that way.”  
  
I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I just had to ask, “who are you?”  
  
“Matsumoto Jun. Agent. Art enthusiast. And Ohno Satoshi’s best friend – after you left him, that is,” he said in a rather sneering way. “Why did you push him away?” he glared at me. I was already starting to get scared of this stranger I had just met minutes earlier.  
  
“Oh, didn’t he tell you? I have HIV! I had sex with a number of other men, and I betrayed him. I am unclean. He deserves someone better!” My temper was already getting the better of me, thanks to this arrogant man.  
  
“Unclean, huh? What if I have HIV, would you say that I am unclean?” he challenged, raising his thick eyebrows, making his retort even more unnerving.  
  
“No! Of course not! That’s different!”  
  
“You called yourself unclean, what’s the difference?”  
  
“It’s none of your business!”  
  
“Maybe it isn’t, but it’s making Ohno-kun suffer, in case you don’t know. And anyone making him suffer will answer to me.”  
  
“Whatever!” I said sourly as I stormed away from that place. I had no counterargument against him.  
  
I ran as far as I could without waiting for Sho. I ran wherever my worn-out legs led me. I ran away like what I had been doing for a year now.  
  
I was already tired of running. Truth be told, I was already starting to get tired of this self-imposed punishment.  
  
-=-=-

**OHNO**  
  
There was a more pressing matter at the moment than my art exhibit. Besides, I had to settle my feelings first or I wouldn’t be able to face anyone. After Nino left the conference hall, I was left alone, helpless and confused. I didn’t follow him. I had a gut feeling that doing so would only make things worse. I let my feet decide wherever they would take me. It was a fine sunny day outside, with just the right temperature that wouldn’t make you sweat, and just enough sunlight to give you good vibes for a good day, but I didn’t notice any of it.  
  
I found myself standing on the riverbank where I first met Kazu. Rather than being more troubled, it felt relaxing to be here, lying on the grass once again just like old times. Rather than the confusion, it made me reminisce the good times I had with Kazu. It made me feel at ease.  
  
The feeling of the cold rain trickling on my face woke me up from my little slumber. At first I had a childish urge to bathe in the rain, but a voice in my head was telling me to go home. No matter how much I tried to ignore it, it just made me feel uneasy. I have been operating on instinct the whole day, and I knew I had to trust my instincts until the end. I gave in.  
  
When I came home, I found a figure of a human crouching at my doorstep, leaning against my door. As I lifted the hoodie of the jacket he was wearing, I was pleasantly and anxiously surprised to find Kazu there.  
  
He had his arms crossed in front of him in an act of keeping him warm amidst the cold evening wind. He must have been really tired from earlier that day for him to sleep soundly in such unforgiving weather. Oh, how I missed staring at his sleeping face. Stroking his hair, poking his cheeks – I started enumerating in my head the things I missed doing to him. But despite my desire to make the most of this special moment of having Kazu for myself, right in front of me, after a year of distance, I knew I had to wake him up.  
  
He was still sleepy as I led him into my apartment and onto my couch where we used to play games together, have nonsense conversations, sleep together, and sometimes do naughty stuff together.  
  
I handed him a blanket for him to keep warm. He was not good with cold even before, since he was so skinny. I sat beside him, so close to offer additional warmth. The whole time, I was frightened that he would push me away, but he did not. My heart was filled with happiness for I didn’t expect that such a moment of physical closeness would still come after he pushed me away that fateful day a year ago.  
  
I didn’t utter a word the entire time for fear of ruining the magic of the moment. The silence was comforting rather than foreboding. I felt at peace.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **NINO**  
  
It was the closest I had ever let myself get to Satoshi after a year of distance. I postponed my purpose for visiting to prolong our borrowed time together, but after moments of silence, I knew I had to say something or Satoshi might worry.  
  
“Congratulations on your art exhibit,” I said.  
  
“You saw it?”  
  
“It was right across the hall of the auditorium this morning. How could I miss it?”  
  
“I went to the riverbank earlier.”  
  
“Oh… I saw your painting of that riverbank.”  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
“You are fulfilling your dream. I’m happy for you,” I said.  
  
“My life still feels empty, though. Having no one to share it with.”  
  
“Matsumoto-san. He seems like a nice guy,” I thoughtlessly said.  
  
I scolded myself inwardly. Was I really pushing him away again? I only went here to sincerely congratulate him. Why did we end up straddling in dangerous waters once again?  
  
“Yeah... I guess,” he said weakly. Even though I wanted to be sincerely happy for him in this matter, I just couldn’t.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **OHNO**  
 _“Matsumoto-san. He seems like a nice guy.”_  There he went again. His you’re-better-off-with-someone-else stance has returned. To say that I was disappointed was an understatement.  
  
We were back in square one.  
  
Was this the end of us? There I was getting ahead of myself, assuming that he would give me a chance. Why did the atmosphere suddenly get heavy and awkward when it was just perfect and peaceful minutes earlier?  
  
“Why don’t we get back together?” I proposed in an act of saving this fragile connection that we still had.  
  
His jaw clenched; I could tell he was annoyed.  
  
“I don’t need your pity, Ohno. I spoke in front of people, not wishing for their pity. For your information, I am actually fine not being in a relationship.”  
  
Breathe in, breathe out. I reminded myself that this was not the right time to lose my temper on Nino again.  
  
“I am not saying this out of pity,” I said as calmly as I could.  
  
“Then what?”  
  
“You’re still wearing the ring,” I said pointedly.  
  
The telephone suddenly rang, as if a signal for our little chat – for our pathetic excuse of catching up – to end, with the slim possibility for the chance to ever come again.  
  
“I guess I should go,” he said. As he was about to stand up, I pulled him back to the couch and pressed my lips against his. If most likely we wouldn’t see each other again in the future, it wouldn’t hurt to take risks in the present.  
  
As I let go, he stared at me dumbfounded and wide-eyed. I took his vulnerable state of shock and kissed him again, lips parted, feeling his warmth.  
  
“HIV is not transmitted through saliva. I know that much,” I said proudly as our lips parted. Kazu just stared at me in wonder.  
  
“A-Are you sure about this?” his voice was weak like that of a timid little child talking to a stranger.  
  
“I have never been surer of anything in my entire life, Kazu. You are the only one who had been doubtful if this relationship would work,” I said trying my hardest to persuade him.  
  
“Satoshi, you don’t know what could happen,” he said worriedly.  
  
“I know. Believe me, I know. I have done my research. I have attended a handful of conferences and talks regarding HIV. I have been looking forward to this day – this moment – when you would let go of your guilt to make this work – to make  _us_  work. I have forgiven you when you asked me to leave. And I am sorry, Kazu. I should have trusted you more.” I pulled him tightly into an embrace to reassure him, to make him feel safe and to make him feel loved.  
  
“Satoshi, I apolo–“  
  
“Don’t. You know, I was hoping that someday, my paintings would reach you. I was hoping that they would lead me back to you. I miss having you with me, Kazu. I miss holding you like this.”  
  
The dam of my tears broke as we both poured our bottled up emotions and let those droplets fall. He was clutching the sleeves of my shirt so tightly; I thought they would get ripped. He appeared distressed and vulnerable, and I held him tightly to share what strength I could give.  
  
Before we realized it, the phone stopped ringing, and we were wrapped in each other’s arms – safe, secure and warm. We were lying on the couch exhausted, as if crying our hearts out sucked the energy out of us. It didn’t matter that the space was little. On the contrary, it was lucky. Being able to be close to each other like that was close to a miracle for me.  
  
“Happy birthday, Satoshi,” he whispered.  
  
The clock read 11:59 PM. It was the most moving birthday greeting I have received so far. And I knew that I have a whole lifetime to receive such greetings from the one I love.  
  
-=-=-  
  
 **NINO**  
 _“Happy birthday, Satoshi,”_  I said, and fell asleep right away. The physical and emotional burden of the day drove me to exhaustion, with only sleep to revive me.  
  
I woke up. I didn’t know what time it was. The place was relatively dark but there were strays of sunlight passing through the crevices of the window. After getting accustomed to the darkness, I looked around and found the place to be in disorder.  
  
My eyes drifted to the rug on the floor and found something slightly gleaming brought about by the little sunlight. After looking closely, it seemed to be made of plastic and square in shape. I flinched, unintentionally waking Satoshi up.  
  
“Kazu? What’s wrong?”  
  
“You have a condom lying around in your living room. Just how many people do you invite to your place?” I teased, trying to act jealous.  
  
“Not many. I was waiting for the moment I can do it with you,” he said, so honestly I could kill him for driving me into a bad state of embarrassment. Without seeing myself, I knew that my ears were already turning red.  
  
“Pervert,” I scoffed, and he laughed heartily. His laughter was like music to my ears, and oh, how much I missed hearing it!  
  
“I have read all about safe sex, you know,” he said matter-of-factly as he sat up on the couch, rubbing the sleepiness off his eyes.  
  
“Satoshi…” I probably said his name in an exceedingly loving voice for he was looking at me strangely after. He held my hand and played with the ring on my finger. We laid back down on the couch – hands held together, eyes closed, and his head on my chest – with a renewed promise.  
  
“Maybe next time then,” I whispered. I felt his mouth curve into a smile against my chest.  
  


-=-

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> written for 2012 Arashi Exchange  
> originally posted here: http://arashi-exchange.livejournal.com/6407.html#cutid1  
> and here in my lj: http://icecreamsuki.livejournal.com/9415.html


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